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3 blocks to a healthy relationship

balancing relationshipIf you relate to any of these unsupported mindsets, you are blocking a fulfilling relationship! Be honest with yourself. If you are willing to change, get ready for a great relationship coming your way. I call these mindsets the 3 "B"s.

Being a Victim

Kathy, in her forties, came to me for consultation. She really wanted to know why men were not there for her. Why were they non-committal and non-supportive; yet very controlling? She felt like a victim of emotional abuse and was attracted to this type of man. Through our work it was revealed that, at 2 years old, her father left her family and she was raised by a single mother. It was amazing when the realization hit her! She'd been blaming her mother throughout her life for her rotten relationships! When all along it was the pattern she was used to.

It was amazing when the realization hit her! She'd been blaming her mother throughout her life for her rotten relationships! When all along it was the pattern she was used to living with. She had the mindset that men were not there. Kathy was so excited; she could not wait to go home and tell her mother how much she loved her. She let go of being a victim of her story and opened to the possibility that men can be there. She decided to find one and did.  Are you a victim? Answer the following questions and look inside yourself.  Do you love to retell your bad relationship stories?  Do you chase the other person for attention?  Is it all your fault?  Do you have trust issues?  Do you attract controlling people?

"Make a definite decision about what you want in relationship.  YOU must become everything on your list that you want in relationship." 

Being an Appeaser

Janet, 40 yrs old, had not seen her father since she was six. She always felt a part of her was missing. Hence, she would never commit in her relationships or her career. Always doing more for others in a way that would compromise who she was and what she wanted in her life. She had difficulty making choices and attracted controlling men, and continuing to chase after men. Through her inner work, Janet realized that she wanted to stop living this way. Janet was ready to be in a long term relationship. Letting go of waiting for her "Dad to show up" in other men led Janet to find and meet with her Dad again! After so many years, she ended her story about why her Dad, and men in general, where not available. She has changed her mindset. She now believes that men are available, respectful and fun; prepared to attract one into her life. Are you an appeaser? Check yourself with these questions.  Do you do everything for everyone else and nothing for you?  Do you feel people take advantage of you?  Do you keep your opinion to yourself?  Do you compromise too much?  Do you chase the other person for attention or love?  Do you have difficulty making decisions?  Do you attract controlling people?

Being a Controller

Debbie was in charge. She ran the household and it was a tight ship. There was one big problem, in her relationships. Her partners were always slackers. She could not get them to help. The more she pushed and criticized, the less they contributed. She was frustrated with the chores, so she did everything - until now. She was ready to live differently but did not know how to do it. During her initial consultation she realized that being the controller was too much work! That was a great beginning. Debbie did not know how to receive, but complained that her partner never gave to her. In relationship, if one partner is a controller and does everything, the other partner does not know how to contribute and therefore does not give toward the team effort. Our work together revealed that she was modeling her parent's relationship. Her mother was the controller, her father was quiet and did not contribute to the home. Letting go of the mindset of having do it all, Debbie starting letting her partner into her life. Debbie and her partner now see each other as equal contributors to a loving, responsible team and they are having more fun!

Are you a controller?  Are you too picky about others? Have high standards?  Would you rather do the project yourself because you can do it faster?  Do you have to make all the decisions?  Do you have difficulty receiving from others?  Do you attract people who do not have confidence or high self-esteem?

The first step is to be aware that your personality is manifesting this.  We are patterned to behave certain ways without realizing how we behave. These unsupported mindsets can easily block your path to fulfilling relationship. They can hinder communication and create disharmony.

Next, write down the story of a few significant unfulfilling relationships. Do you see the pattern? Our life brings patterns to us for a reason; to teach us something. What is the pattern teaching you? As soon as you see the teaching and practice the new pattern, you will never draw that same situation to you again. The teaching will be done.

Some actions to take:

Felt like a victim? Stand up strong and voice your opinion. Create new boundaries.  If you have felt like an appeaser start making your own decisions.  Think of yourself first.  If you are a controller learn to be patient with others, listen to feelings, ideas/opinions. Be open to give and receive.  What are your unsupported mindsets about relationship? Are they Limiting? Controlling? Unavailable? Not fun? Too much work?  If what is showing up in your life is not what you want, acknowledge your personality pattern.  Notice how you use it.  Affirm your new strength pattern.   Make a definite decision about what you want in relationship.  YOU must become everything on your list that you want in relationship.  Know that a fulfilling relationship is available. Be ready but patient and the relationship will be shown to you at the right time. So, let's change our unsupported mindsets. Let's create supportive mindsets to draw to us the kind of relationship we want!

Contact Tricia Hancock, CHT

balancing relationship

At Capitola Counseling, it is always our intention to personalize any contact you make with us. So, regardless of if you are contacting us to take any of the course work or requesting a private session .We want you to feel comfortable to include a personal note or just ask a quick question. We look forward to speaking with you soon. Many Blessings

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